One of those valleys
Back in March, after my father passed away, I had the most clarity I’ve ever had in my life. I think we all have a desire for clarity in our lives, to have some sense of certainty about what is important and what is not…what is worth our concern and what we need to simply let go. Returning to Tallahassee after that experience, I really wasn’t concerned about much of anything. I had the same amount of motivation, but I just didn’t get caught up in all the day-to-day BS that previously led to most of my consternation.
For whatever reason, those days are long gone. I took a position back in June that seemed ideal. Part-time, good pay, and enough time to work on my thesis. Except instead of working on my thesis I squandered time for a while. I worked my part-time hours and was lazy, more or less. I don’t remember feeling that way in a long time, if ever.
In the workplace, my boss has chosen to use her authority in a political way - saying one thing to my face and something quite different behind my back. This sort of tactic does not bother some, but for me it is difficult to comprehend or feel comfortable with. I try very hard - both for my own good and for those I come in contact with - to be transparent and concrete in my communication. The absence of these qualities makes it very difficult to meet others’ expectations. I guess I am not meeting hers. She indicated so four months into my employment.
I feel bad that she is so disappointed. She told me a while back I could seek employment elsewhere if I wanted. Gulp. My days might be numbered over there.
Anyway, I just want to relay what I am feeling stress about right now:
1.) The fact that I am letting any of this bother me, when only a few months ago I would have scoffed at even caring about these seemingly trivial details.
2.) I have made much less progress than I wanted to with my thesis over the past few months.
3.) My boss truly does not like me and wants me to find work elsewhere.
4.) I have no health insurance currently and when I do get it I am not sure how I will afford it.
5.) I have debt up the wazoo from school and plan on becoming a football coach in the next several months.
6.) Approaching the time of year when my dad got sick in 2006 and what the holiday season is going to feel/be like.
7.) Other, miscellaneous inadequacies I am not prepared to divulge.
8.) Little to no satisfaction where I spend most of my time - working and writing my thesis.
9.) That I am not trusting in God’s sovereignty and plan for my life through all this.
The End.
